I have wanted to write about different things for a long time. More personal and/or meaningful entries.
For a lot of reasons, I haven't done it yet. But the other day I got the last small push I needed, to get started on this! (Big thanks to Heikki.)
This post will be a long one. With a little bit of a lot of things. Sorry if it is confusing for some, I just need to get it all out now..
I would like to clear up some things. I know from my own experience that it is easy to judge someone from their blogs and imagine how they are in person, eventhough this idea is complete wrong.
I also know how you can misjudge people you meet and/or even your (close) friends.
I don't write this to make others feel sorry for me. What would that help? I've just felt like sharing this for a long time, because I'm getting a bit "tired" of a few things people say to me.
Something that I have heard several times already is "You are pretty, so your life must be easy!"
So you really believe that being pretty equals a good life?
It would be wrong though, to claim that nothing comes easier when you're prettier than, let's say, the "average" person. (How we judge other how we and others look, is another discussion. But for now, let's just generalize a bit..) But thinking that being better looking would make your life better and you'd be happy all day, everyday is quite stupid. Sorry. I know we always want what we don't have, and we always imagine how much better we'd feel if we just had that straight hair instead of natural curly or vice versa.
Let us make one thing clear: I wouldn't classify myself as pretty or good looking or anything like that. I like to think of myself as just average-ish. When I get compliments from others, it feels weird and sometimes I don't even know how to react to it. This may lead to people thinking of me as selfish and/or attention seeking. Like, if I ask a friend if I look good enough for going to thisandthat, it is not because I want them to just boost my ego.
I just literally want to know because I am unsure myself if it's ok. I've been what you would call 'pretty' from when I was around 21 and until today. That is only 4 years out of 25. I found some old photos of me, but still unsure if I should post or not !
|Credits to Likeafist @ Tumblr.|
I've heard others say I have nothing to complain about, because I'm pretty/skinny/having a lot of friends/having a job/going to school/etc etc. (Other people's words, not mine!)
And why do I feel bothered by something like this? I should probably take it as a compliment.
But what makes me sad is that they never even bothered to know if there was anything behind all that.
They never ask if I am doing okay, even when I put it all out there with a desperate FB status of whatever. When you've judged someone to have this great life, it is easier to look away when they need help. Because since their everything is so perfect, their problems can't possible be that bad..
Some days I can hate myself. And no not in a "omg I feel so fat today, ew!"-kinda way.
Real hate. Not going further on how this affects me though. I don't look myself in the mirror and I don't go outside at all. This can last from one to several days. I do know that whatever has happened in my life before is not as bad as many others'. But what I have experienced is the only thing I can describe from my own point of view. I don't claim that I have had the worst life ever, because I haven't.
When I was in Kindergarden to around 7th grade, I was completely and totally ignored at school.
I was really really shy back then, was at that time the only Asian at my school with glasses and braces and all that. At 8th grade something really bad happened in our family(which I don't want to talk about). Both my sister and I were still young, but it didn't make it less hard to pull through. The same year, I started to discover things from Korea. (This was during the Fifa World Cup in 2002) This interest did not fall in well with the popular kids. Going from being a complete nobody to being bullied was a shocker. One time I skipped the last two hours of school, with two of my friends, because the others were that mean. Our teacher then called my house and ordered us to come back. There was no excuse for leaving wihtout notice!! So we had to go back and my dad came along too.
Had a meeting with our teachers and we explained what was going on. The only thing we got from that was that WE were at fault. It was OUR mistake and WE had just MISUNDERSTOOD what the others meant. Thanks a lot ..
Photo found on Google.
From 8th grade it just went downhill. I was still really shy and getting new friends wasn't easy.
I was sent to a Christian and Sports boarding school when I was 17. It was absolutely horrible.
This has to be one of the worst experiences of my younger life! At this school I was really bullied, particularly by this one guy. I won't comment on how he, himself, looked but let's just say he wasn't a pretty boy. He had been bullied in his previous class so now he bullied others to avoid being the victim.
And that IS NOT COOL!! This guy would especially comment on how fat and disgusting I was, all day, everyday whenever I met him. He would shout it out loud and make everyone around laugh at me.
The problem with being at a boarding school is that you live there, you are there all day long.
In the end I started to believe it. And for many years to come, I still believed in this.
The biggest problem here, wasn't not that some of the kids were mean (that IS still a problem though!) but that the teachers here didn't care.
Then I went to what I think must be translated to something like high school. On my last year I had missed a lot of classes. I had my first boyfriend that year and he cheated on me, we fought a lot and broke up a lot. My parents got divorced and my father got cancer(he is ok now btw). My sister's OCD and asperger syndrome got worse and worse. And I had no idea who to talk to.
In the end the school principal took me in for a serious conversation. I had missed so many classes I was at the edge of being kicked out, only a few weeks before graduation. I then told him what was going on and that I had no idea of how to handle it all.
His reply was: "That is not our problem. You need to learn how to seperate school life and private life."
I guess he was right, how was this their problem? But at the same time.. I think he was wrong at handling it like this. At least he could've maybe given me an advice on where to get help. Or maybe that was too much to ask for?
This was the third place in a row, where I had gotten no help at all. I was the only one to blame.
It didn't help that I was raised in a family where we didn't speak about problems or feelings.
If something bad happened in my life my parents would say "You only have yourself to blame".
If I got into a fight with a friends they would say "It's probably your own fault".
I'm not saying I was a total saint, but it would've been nice if they had been supportive, just once.
As my "problems" this far weren't the worst, I really don't understand why it was so impossible to get help from anyone. I mean, shouldn't it be easier to help when the issue isn't that big (yet)?
3,5 years ago I moved to Copehagen. It was the best decision yet. Unfortuntately some bad things happened the first year which caused me to see a psychologist at the university. Now, I know it didn't cost anything to get an appointment, but that shouldn't make the "service" any worse right?
Anyway.. I had three appointments with this man before I decided to stop. I don't know if I just didn't understand his methods or whatever, but each time he would push and push and push me until I started crying. A few months later my dad sent me to a paid psychologist which was really amazing!
And yes, I think it is stupid that it's a shamefull thing to say that you see a psychologist. Everyone needs help sometimes, and sometimes your friends and family just can't help you. Eventhough they want to.
|Credits to Ayleen @ Tumblr|
All this I have written down (plus a looooot more) has been filling my head for awhile now. I'm in the middle of my studies but still doubting whether it is the right one or not. I don't feel motivated for this at all and I have no clue what I want to use it for when I'm done. I know a lot of people feel this way while they're studying. But the problem is that I have a clear idea of what I want to work with when I'm done with school. And I'm not sure how to get Korea studies mixed into that. I have been thinking of changing my major for a long time now and I want to change it to a bachelor in social conseling for children and young adults.
I am not saying I will be better at this job than others. But I truly believe that I can do better than the ones I have met before. Yes, I know they have been teachers and etc., but hey they also have to do with children and a certain amount of responsibility. For a long long time I was stuck in a place with no self-esteem and only bad thoughts about myself. I wish that just one person would've told me things will get better. This is not much and it sounds like a cliché but that doesn't make it any less true. Sometimes it's the smaller things that make the big difference.
And to wrap this up with something a bit more positive. Yes, I do feel good about myself now, both look-wise and just in general. Not perfect, but good. Some days are better than others but we all have those days. I don't want to stay bitter forever about things which happened years ago. At the same time I have nothing to say to those people. Now I have nothing to complain about in my life as it is right now. Some changes might need to be made, but I'll take it as it comes.
Sorry sorry for the wall of text! I hope everyone survived reading all this. Hmm.. I have a lot going on in my mind right now, and it was a lot harder than I thought, to write something like this down.
Next time, I'll write about identity issues.
Well, it is weekend time but since we're all still sick at my place, there's no fun plans this time :<
I hope you all will have a good weekend though! Lots of love ♥