I have wanted to write about different things for a long time. More personal and/or meaningful entries.
For a lot of reasons, I haven't done it yet. But the other day I got the last small push I needed, to get started on this! (Big thanks to Heikki.)
This post will be a long one. With a little bit of a lot of things. Sorry if it is confusing for some, I just need to get it all out now..
I would like to clear up some things. I know from my own experience that it is easy to judge someone from their blogs and imagine how they are in person, eventhough this idea is complete wrong.
I also know how you can misjudge people you meet and/or even your (close) friends.
I don't write this to make others feel sorry for me. What would that help? I've just felt like sharing this for a long time, because I'm getting a bit "tired" of a few things people say to me.
Something that I have heard several times already is "You are pretty, so your life must be easy!"
So you really believe that being pretty equals a good life?
It would be wrong though, to claim that nothing comes easier when you're prettier than, let's say, the "average" person. (How we judge other how we and others look, is another discussion. But for now, let's just generalize a bit..) But thinking that being better looking would make your life better and you'd be happy all day, everyday is quite stupid. Sorry. I know we always want what we don't have, and we always imagine how much better we'd feel if we just had that straight hair instead of natural curly or vice versa.
Let us make one thing clear: I wouldn't classify myself as pretty or good looking or anything like that. I like to think of myself as just average-ish. When I get compliments from others, it feels weird and sometimes I don't even know how to react to it. This may lead to people thinking of me as selfish and/or attention seeking. Like, if I ask a friend if I look good enough for going to thisandthat, it is not because I want them to just boost my ego.
I just literally want to know because I am unsure myself if it's ok. I've been what you would call 'pretty' from when I was around 21 and until today. That is only 4 years out of 25. I found some old photos of me, but still unsure if I should post or not !
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| Credits to Likeafist @ Tumblr. |
I've heard others say I have nothing to complain about, because I'm pretty/skinny/having a lot of friends/having a job/going to school/etc etc. (Other people's words, not mine!)
And why do I feel bothered by something like this? I should probably take it as a compliment.
But what makes me sad is that they never even bothered to know if there was anything behind all that.
They never ask if I am doing okay, even when I put it all out there with a desperate FB status of whatever. When you've judged someone to have this great life, it is easier to look away when they need help. Because since their everything is so perfect, their problems can't possible be that bad..
Some days I can hate myself. And no not in a "omg I feel so fat today, ew!"-kinda way.
Real hate. Not going further on how this affects me though. I don't look myself in the mirror and I don't go outside at all. This can last from one to several days. I do know that whatever has happened in my life before is not as bad as many others'. But what I have experienced is the only thing I can describe from my own point of view. I don't claim that I have had the worst life ever, because I haven't.
When I was in Kindergarden to around 7th grade, I was completely and totally ignored at school.
I was really really shy back then, was at that time the only Asian at my school with glasses and braces and all that. At 8th grade something really bad happened in our family(which I don't want to talk about). Both my sister and I were still young, but it didn't make it less hard to pull through. The same year, I started to discover things from Korea. (This was during the Fifa World Cup in 2002) This interest did not fall in well with the popular kids. Going from being a complete nobody to being bullied was a shocker. One time I skipped the last two hours of school, with two of my friends, because the others were that mean. Our teacher then called my house and ordered us to come back. There was no excuse for leaving wihtout notice!! So we had to go back and my dad came along too.
Had a meeting with our teachers and we explained what was going on. The only thing we got from that was that WE were at fault. It was OUR mistake and WE had just MISUNDERSTOOD what the others meant. Thanks a lot ..
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Photo found on Google.
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From 8th grade it just went downhill. I was still really shy and getting new friends wasn't easy.
I was sent to a Christian and Sports boarding school when I was 17. It was absolutely horrible.
This has to be one of the worst experiences of my younger life! At this school I was really bullied, particularly by this one guy. I won't comment on how he, himself, looked but let's just say he wasn't a pretty boy. He had been bullied in his previous class so now he bullied others to avoid being the victim.
And that IS NOT COOL!! This guy would especially comment on how fat and disgusting I was, all day, everyday whenever I met him. He would shout it out loud and make everyone around laugh at me.
The problem with being at a boarding school is that you live there, you are there all day long.
In the end I started to believe it. And for many years to come, I still believed in this.
The biggest problem here, wasn't not that some of the kids were mean (that IS still a problem though!) but that the teachers here didn't care.
Then I went to what I think must be translated to something like high school. On my last year I had missed a lot of classes. I had my first boyfriend that year and he cheated on me, we fought a lot and broke up a lot. My parents got divorced and my father got cancer(he is ok now btw). My sister's OCD and asperger syndrome got worse and worse. And I had no idea who to talk to.
In the end the school principal took me in for a serious conversation. I had missed so many classes I was at the edge of being kicked out, only a few weeks before graduation. I then told him what was going on and that I had no idea of how to handle it all.
His reply was: "That is not our problem. You need to learn how to seperate school life and private life."
I guess he was right, how was this their problem? But at the same time.. I think he was wrong at handling it like this. At least he could've maybe given me an advice on where to get help. Or maybe that was too much to ask for?
This was the third place in a row, where I had gotten no help at all. I was the only one to blame.
It didn't help that I was raised in a family where we didn't speak about problems or feelings.
If something bad happened in my life my parents would say "You only have yourself to blame".
If I got into a fight with a friends they would say "It's probably your own fault".
I'm not saying I was a total saint, but it would've been nice if they had been supportive, just once.
As my "problems" this far weren't the worst, I really don't understand why it was so impossible to get help from anyone. I mean, shouldn't it be easier to help when the issue isn't that big (yet)?
3,5 years ago I moved to Copehagen. It was the best decision yet. Unfortuntately some bad things happened the first year which caused me to see a psychologist at the university. Now, I know it didn't cost anything to get an appointment, but that shouldn't make the "service" any worse right?
Anyway.. I had three appointments with this man before I decided to stop. I don't know if I just didn't understand his methods or whatever, but each time he would push and push and push me until I started crying. A few months later my dad sent me to a paid psychologist which was really amazing!
And yes, I think it is stupid that it's a shamefull thing to say that you see a psychologist. Everyone needs help sometimes, and sometimes your friends and family just can't help you. Eventhough they want to.
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| Credits to Ayleen @ Tumblr |
All this I have written down (plus a looooot more) has been filling my head for awhile now. I'm in the middle of my studies but still doubting whether it is the right one or not. I don't feel motivated for this at all and I have no clue what I want to use it for when I'm done. I know a lot of people feel this way while they're studying. But the problem is that I have a clear idea of what I want to work with when I'm done with school. And I'm not sure how to get Korea studies mixed into that. I have been thinking of changing my major for a long time now and I want to change it to a bachelor in social conseling for children and young adults.
I am not saying I will be better at this job than others. But I truly believe that I can do better than the ones I have met before. Yes, I know they have been teachers and etc., but hey they also have to do with children and a certain amount of responsibility. For a long long time I was stuck in a place with no self-esteem and only bad thoughts about myself. I wish that just one person would've told me things will get better. This is not much and it sounds like a cliché but that doesn't make it any less true. Sometimes it's the smaller things that make the big difference.
And to wrap this up with something a bit more positive. Yes, I do feel good about myself now, both look-wise and just in general. Not perfect, but good. Some days are better than others but we all have those days. I don't want to stay bitter forever about things which happened years ago. At the same time I have nothing to say to those people. Now I have nothing to complain about in my life as it is right now. Some changes might need to be made, but I'll take it as it comes.
Sorry sorry for the wall of text! I hope everyone survived reading all this. Hmm.. I have a lot going on in my mind right now, and it was a lot harder than I thought, to write something like this down.
Next time, I'll write about identity issues.
Well, it is weekend time but since we're all still sick at my place, there's no fun plans this time :<
I hope you all will have a good weekend though! Lots of love ♥
i think it's very brave to put personal texts like this online. it surely helps to understand you better. and i know this "you're pretty so you have nothing to worry about" thing so well. it's annoying, especially when those people know nothing about you. and from all those people i've met who are really beautiful now, those were mostly the people who were like...not even average in the past and then started to make a change. they worked for their appereance now. working out, getting a haircut, learning about make-up and fashion and the alike.
ReplyDeletebut i guess a lot of people think that those people are just 'natural pretty'. they don't see the work and pain behind it all.
not saying that it's always the case, i just recently noticed, that it's often like this.
and people who bully others are seriously the worst.
You are so right! Thanks for writing some of the things I forgot to mention! ^^ It is true! It's not like we just sat around and were all "omg I'm so ugly fml!" and suddenly BOOM prettiness just jumped at our faces! T_T
DeleteStill, as I think I am starting to look better, I have done the things you mentioned! Working hard to achieve the look I want! And I think everyone should do that, if that's what makes them happy ^^
It's almost like people tend to look for excuses to not care too much of others! My friends have also told me "You always smile and seem happy, so when we didn't really think you could ever get sad" ..... WHAT?? Sometimes I even post long really depressed updates on like FB and such and everyone just ignores it or gives me some smartass comments.. -.-; Jesus..
Thanks again for reading it all! ^^
Nothing to complete your writing. It's all true what you wrote, and I just realzied that we have same past, not all was the same, but a lot.
ReplyDeleteI'm changing my mind now too, I just started it in December. I was sick of all the depressing thought I had, and it's still hard to get over them, but not impossible.
I'm sure many will wake up, while reading your post, I mean, that nobody is ugly and stuff like that. Coz we're all just perfect the way we are, so how I see it.
Exactly! ^^ Everyone has different taste and thoughts on what they find pretty, but that doesnt make anyone less pretty.. And to sound cheesy, the inside counts so much too.. I've met so many "good looking" people who had the worst personality.. And know I almost can't stand looking at them.. :/ Like they just lure people in to take advantage of them and feeling like they're allowed to because they look good.. meh D:
DeleteI wish you all the best!! ^^ We can do it!!
Wow jeongie unnie! You have said what I really wanted to say about bullies & people that pick on other's insecurities. I come from the not pretty side, but I understand exactly how you feel. People judge too much on other's outer appearances and they don't care to see what a person is really like inside.
ReplyDeleteI've always had issues accepting myself, but I am ME... I work hard at what I am doing :) 화이팅!!!
They sure do! :/ And online people have become so nasty!! I think it is near disgusting, how they can be so evil towards people they have never even met!! But also people you know IRL of course.. :( Why be so mean.. Seriously... THanks for your comment! ^^ I personally think you have a really adorable look and you are always so sweet to everyone! Stay strong <3
DeleteAMEN er alt jeg kan sige til det der. Jeg har ikke været igennem det samme som du har - og tag og giv dig selv en hånd for at være kommet så stærkt igennem det som du har, for det er sgu godt gået - men jeg kan så uendeligt godt genkende alt det første du skriver. At blive komplimenteret for noget, der ikke er så sandt som folk går og tror, gør næsten kun mere ondt end det gør godt, for folk tror ikke på en, hvis man forsøger at forklare, at landet ikke nødvendigvis ligger som de forestiller sig det.
ReplyDeleteJeg ville ønske man kunne printe dit indlæg her ud og plaste ud over.... alt. Jo større jo bedre. Så meget sandhed og så meget ærlighed som mange ikke har nosser til at dele med andre, fordi det er så følsomt et emne, som det er - folk med et talent eller et udseende, som andre misunder, har ikke ret til ikke at være perfekte. Det er simpelthen en af verdens største omgang vrøvl.
Anyway, min pointe er bare, at jeg synes du fortjener en klapsalve for at tale om det her og for at gøre det så flot som du gør. Det er virkelig godt skrevet.
Jeg håber du finder ud af, hvad du vil med dit studie og "dit liv", så at sige, for det lyder som en smuk, velgennemtænkt og - af mangel på bedre ord - go' idé du har fået. Din passion for Korea behøver ikke nødvendigvis lide sit endelidt, for uanset om man kan kalde det en passion eller ej - det kan jeg af gode grunde ikke udtale mig om på dine vegne - så vil Korea vel altid være en del af dig, og der er andre veje end en bachelor hvorpå du kan opnå lige præcis hvad du vil og hvilke færdigheder du ønsker dig inden for landets sprog og kultur :) Det er meget vigtigere at du følger dit hjerte!!
Too long, didn't read - pissefedt indlæg, glæder mig til at læse videre med om hvad du finder ud af. Det er megainspirerende at læse det her!
Mange tak Laura!! :''D Helt rigtigt.. Jeg bliver såret når folk mener jeg bare prøver at få medynk osv hvis jeg ikke synes jeg ser tiptop ud en dag og ikke tager imod deres ellers søde kommentarer med kyshånd.. :(
DeleteEller når jeg ikke lige kan håndtere en "sjov" joke om at en ven synes jeg er fed eller andet, og det bliver gentaget 100 gange.. hm, det er bare ikke sådan en humor jeg har desværre.. En gang eller to, i en oplagt fjollet situation er ok, men hver gang man ses er bare ikke iorden i min verden! ><
Tusinde tak for at have taget dig tid til at læse det hele og skrive sådan en lang og dejlig kommentar! <3
Er glad for, at jeg endelig turde udgive noget ala det her.. Det føltes godt at skrive om andet end bare mad og tøj hehe ^^ Og ville bare virkelig gerne dele det med andre, da jeg tit og ofte høre at jeg, udfra min blog og billeder, ligner en mega bitch.. :(
Og præcis! Jeg vil altid have stor passion for Korea, men om det er nok til at forsætte på studiet, må jeg jo finde ud af her engang :O
Tak igen for at have læst og kommenteret!! ^^
Wow thank you for writing this. It's not easy to write something like this. It really made me tear up. I guess it's because I can relate so much. I'm still not over the past and the present isn't good either. I'm trying to be positive but everything just keeps going down hill. I feel so hopeless but I know there are people trying to help me. So I'll take your advice! 'Sometimes it's the smaller things that make the big difference'. I'll definitely see a psychologist. I've been wanting to for a while but I just get really scared.
ReplyDeleteAlso I think you should have a try at bachelor in social counseling for children and young adults! It seems like it's what you really want to do so please go for it. It's really great that you're now feeling so much better about yourself. Thank you for sharing this. I really wish you all the best in life.
Take care xx
Best of luck with everything! I hope you'll be truly happy soon! And I hope you'll find a good psychologist! Really.. There is so many bad ones out there, and they only make it all worse ><
DeleteHowever.. It really helped me, eventhough I found it awkward to talk to a stranger about such personal things.. But after the first couple of times it got better and I think it sometimes is good to talk to a stranger instead of a friend! But friends are also important of course! Sometimes we don't see the help others try to offer and just push them away instead. I did this once a couple of years ago, and I regret it alot because it could've helped me from a really bad thing. I wish you all the best from here! <3
I'm so proud that you published this. I actually did not have any idea of the topic but I'm glad I pushed you to publish.
ReplyDeleteThere's many things I can relate to because I was bullied too when I was younger.
"a bachelor in social counseling for children and young adults."
I think that would be awesome, and who's better at that than a person who's kinda been trough a lot. I mean bullied kids can turn out so awesome cause they've had to develop skills to survive and they know how to read emotions. That's partly just my own opinion but also somewhat a fact.
So in other words I think what ever you choose to do you are gonna be good at it.
One thing popped into my mind that one reason why I've been teaching kids so long now is that because I was so mistreated by my 3rd grade teacher and I don't want anyone else go trough that same shit I did. And I'd like to think that by working with kids I can affect their lives and hopefully leave good memories for them and maybe eliminate some bullying in the meanwhile.
I hope you feel good from now on as you said in the end. Stay strong and good luck!
Thank you thank you! I'm still so happy that you said I should just publish it! ^^
DeleteI definitely share your opinion on that! I once had a talk with my bff, (who was also bullied in school, and she is studying to become a teacher now) and we both agreed that teacher who haven't experienced bullying first hand might not know how to truyl relate to that.
I believe we should always make the best out of everything, even the bad things in life. And eventhough life has been unfair at a young age, it's only to turn it into a good thing. Like you said, better skills at reading emotions and knowing the even smallest signs of bullying in the young grades. It should be stopped at a young age already! ^^
And as you, I really want to do this because I want to have a chance at giving children better experiences than I had, when problems appeared! Instead of feeling it's only yourself who is at fault, they have to know it sometimes isn't and they deserve all the help they can get. If my kid got bullied at school and no one there were willing to help, I would be absolutely devestated! :/
Thanks again, and thanks for reading this and also sharing a little part of your own past here! <3
Girl, jeg er så glad for at du postede det. Vi vil møde idioter gennem livet og mange af dem har den idé, at hvis de kan angribe andre, før de selv bliver angrebet, så er det bedst på den måde. Det er bullshit og det gør mig virkelig trist at folk har fattet nada, når du har haft brug for hjælp :C Jeg sender lige kæmpe kram fra Korea og glæder mig til at give dig et rigtigt kram, når jeg kommer hjem fra hovedstaden. Jeg har set et par af de mennesker, du før har kaldt venner, som du selv fandt ud af, ikke var det værd. Det er fucking hårdt at måtte indse, at folk, man stoler på, kun vil én ondt. Særligt når man holder af dem og ville give dem alt, rejse hundrede af kilometer for dem og de kan dårligt magte at returnere ens opkald eller svare på ens Facebook beskeder.
ReplyDeleteAngående mobning.. Jeg har selv været udsat for mobning (heller ikke småting) og mine lærere opdagede det til et forældremøde, hvor jeg pludselig brød sammen og tudede som det lille barn, jeg nu engang var. De arrangerede et møde med mine mobbere, men desværre kunne vicedirektøren på min privatskole ikke lige magte at snakke med os, så han bad mig bare "opsætte et filter" for deres onde ord og lade dem være. -__-" For det var jo mig, der gjorde dem ondt. Right. Jeg var en loner og har altid været lidt underlig, men jeg var ekstremt genert fra jeg var helt lille til jeg blev omkring 16. Hormonerne satte ind og jeg blev træt af at blive trådt på, så folk fik kort og kontant det igen, de selv gav.
Regardless hvad du vælger, så tro på dig selv! Du fortjener at være lykkelig lige som alle andre. Ja, vi skal holde det negative ude af vores liv, men vi skal satme heller ikke lade folk vade henover os. Sig fra! Du har en skøn kæreste, du har mig (jeg er også ret skøn, haha!) og en masse andre gode venner - vi er her alle til at bakke dig op, hvad end du beslutter dig for! : D Husk, mavefornemmelsen skal være rigtig (vise ord fra Fru Mørch i Nordjylland, haha!). Føles det ikke rigtigt, så træd et skridt tilbage og gen-overvej situationen, drej billedet og se det fra en anden vinkel - er det her virkelig det, du vil? Er det det værd i det længere løb? Og vigtigst af alt; gør det her dig glad? : D Hvis du kan sige "Ja" til alle, så er du på rette vej, homegurl, og så er der kun én vej - det er fremad. Måske tager du et par skridt bagud en gang imellem, men fuck it.. Pile bliver også trukket tilbage, inden de fyres fremad ^__^)/ you got this! Det er dit liv, din rolle er vigtigst og hvis du er glad, så skaber du også positivitet omkring dig! : D Go go go! Jeg kommer og besøger dig regardless hvor du er eller hvad du laver.. yes? Vi skal på Ys og alt det der. Desuden havde jeg selv en psykolog og hun var da lidt en inkompetent nar. Hvis nogen kan forstå børn og unge (og deres problemer) så er det da nok dig. ^__^)/ Det skal nok blive godt! <3 kram kram kram xx
omg min comment er jo næsten længere end dit indlæg, lol! Sorry >__< <3
ReplyDeleteAh I really love these personal posts! It's always nice to know that even complete strangers from across the world can also go through the same or similar kind of feelings and situations.
ReplyDeleteI'm 25 as well and I've pretty much been called everything down the line (ugly, fat, unattractive, etc) since I was pretty much a little kid. I've only recently started to care more about what I look like but sometimes I wonder if 'caring' makes me a different person? So I cut down on makeup a lot because I felt like I was trying too hard to please people.
In the end, I do what i do to make me happy and to be happy with myself. Ofc I wear makeup and dress up but ultimately, it's for me. And I've gotten much more confident because of it. I'm not sure if it comes with age or if it's just something that clicked.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story!